This was Actually Said…

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

Hints for Remembering Better

  1. Understand thoroughly what is to be remembered and/or memorized
  2. Spot what is to be memorized verbatim. It is a good plan to use a special marking symbol in text and notebook to indicate parts and passages, rules, data, and all other information that is to be memorized instead of just understood and remembered
  3. If verbatim memory is required, go over the material or try to repeat at odd times.
  4. Think about what you are trying to learn. Find an interest in the material if you wish to memorize it with ease.
  5. Study first the items that you want to remember longest.
  6. Learn complete units at one time, as that is the way it will have to be recalled.
  7. Overlearn to make certain.
  8. Analyze material and strive to intensify the impressions the material makes.
  9. Use concrete imagery whenever possible. Close your eyes and get a picture of the explanation and summary answer. Try to see it on the page. See the key words underlined.
  10. Make your own applications, examples, and illustrations.
  11. Reduce the material to be remembered to your own self-made system or series of numbered steps.
  12. Represent the idea graphically by use of pictorial or diagrammatic forms.
  13. Make a list of key words most useful in explaining the idea or content of the lesson.
  14. Form a variety of associations among the points you wish to remember. The richer the associations, the better the memory.
  15. Try making the idea clear to a friend without referring to your book or notes.
  16. Actually write out examination questions on the material you think you might get at the end of the term. Then write the answers to your own questions. Since you now have the chance, consult the text or your notes to improve your answers.
  17. Follow suggestions for reviewing. This is an important part of remembering.

40 Unwritten Rules to Live By

  1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.
  2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.
  3. Don’t bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.
  4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he’s your father.
  5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.
  6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.
  7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.
  8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don’t mumble. And don’t swing the stick.
  9. The man who can’t dance, can’t converse, and can’t provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can’t cook, can’t clean, and badly wants a drink.
  10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis. Continue reading…

18 Rules of Living by the Dalai Lama

  1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
  2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
  3. Follow the three Rs: 1. Respect for self 2. Respect for others 3. Responsibility for all your actions.
  4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
  5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
  6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
  7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
  8. Spend some time alone every day.
  9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
  10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
  12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
  13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
  14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
  15. Be gentle with the earth.
  16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
  17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
  18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Source: The Unbounded Spirit

43 Ways to Leave your Comfort Zone

  1. Take a cold shower.
  2. Talk with five random people in the street.
  3. Wake up early and go out for a walk or with your bicycle.
  4. If you always order alcohol at a bar, order an orange juice or tea.
  5. Get rid of something you no longer use, once a day for thirty days.
  6. Try a different route for going to work.
  7. Try one of my 43 ways to make money.
  8. Cook something that you never ate before. Look up for some recipes online.
  9. Turn off your cellphone and computer for two days.
  10. Say yes next time someone asks you to go out, or ask someone else that you haven’t seen in a while to go out. Continue reading…

21 Truisms

  1. Never compare your weaknesses to other people’s strengths.
  2. Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
  3. Your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
  4. Own your life, or someone will own it for you
  5. We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.
  6. The world does not reward perfectionists. It rewards those who get things done.
  7. No matter what anyone says to you, you don’t have to eat dinner with them, live with them, or go to bed with them.
  8. If you risk nothing, you risk everything.
  9. If something frightens you irrationally, do it often.
  10. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.
  11. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but you may miss out on future opportunities.
  12. Don’t give others the power to control your emotions. Those are only yours and it is only for you to manipulate.
  13. Victory introduces you to the world, but defeat introduces the world to you!
  14. The only way you are going to have success is to have lots of failures first.
  15. Fail often but do not forget the Lesson.
  16. You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.
  17. It’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.
  18. Take what you do seriously. Not yourself.
  19. Life begins where your comfort zone ends.
  20. The True measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
  21. If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.

45 Life Lessons from a 90 year old

  1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
  2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
  3. Life is too short not to enjoy it.
  4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
  5. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.
  6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
  7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
  8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
  9. Save for things that matter.
  10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. Continue reading…

Smoking Etiquette

  1. The person who rolls the joint (no matter whose weed it is) gets to spark up the joint and get first hits…
  2. If someone rolls a nice joint, its good to give the person a complement on his rolling skills…
  3. If someone starts hogging the bowl and starts using the excuse that it’s okay for him to hog it since it’s his weed, this is definitely not cool.
  4. The punishment depends on the quality of the weed and how much he put in. (if it was real crappy and he was real cheap with it, then you bug on the person and rag on him
  5. If someone is too palsy to light the bowl (due to being too stoned or the person is just a retard then they must relinquish control of the lighter to someone more able to get it lit.  –this does NOT mean the person who lights gets free hits… this privilege tends to get abused (“hey lemme light it for you…”)
  6. If someone is so much of a palsy that they blow INTO the bowl and blow all the shit on the floor, this person must be ragged on and the person cant smoke on the next round (unless it was his stuff)
  7. If you smoke with someone in your house, you should let them eat some munchy food you may have lying around.. don’t be cheap with your food if you have food…
  8. If someone who’s smoked asks for a sip of your soda, you must give him some… (dry mouth is not fun)
  9. Converse of (7); if you ask for a sip, don’t take a large gulp
  10. If smoking from a bong or a joint, never put the whole thing in your mouth and get it all sopping wet.. its disgusting and it messed up the joint. Continue reading…

31 Life Lessons

1. Trust your gut. Really.

If you think he likes you, you’re probably right. If you think he’s cheating, you’re probably right. If you think she’s going to be your new BFF, (this time with feeling!) you’re probably right.

2. Sunscreen. Always.

SPF 15 indoors, SPF 30 outdoors. I’ve been wearing sunscreen everyday since I was 19 and I still get carded. I think this actually has more to do with the bouncers hitting on me, but I’d like to share the credit with my good friend Oil of Olay daily moisturizing lotion with SPF.

3. If you’re lying in bed worrying about it, get up and write it down.

If I don’t do this, my night will quickly devolve into cyclical thoughts of doom and anxiety. Just get out of bed, write down the thing that you’re worried about, write down a few ideas to deal with it and then go the eff back to sleep.

4. Processed carbohydrates and sugars are yucky.

It’s not hard to switch to wholewheat bread and noodles or substitute honey/maple syrup/raw sugar for the white stuff. It’s yummy and you’ll feel heaps better!

5. Maintaining friendships (and making new friends) is an active process.

Stop waiting for them to call you! Think of something fun to do, call your friends and go do it. Also, stop sitting in your apartment, devotedly wishing that you knew more cool people. Surprisingly, this will not get you any closer to making new friends. Go places where like-minded people hang out, talk to new people at parties, initiate.

Continue reading…

Ten best non-sex feelings ever

  1. The feeling you first wake up but don’t have to get out of bed yet.
  2. Getting goosebumps from music/movie.
  3. When you’re congested as fuck and then suddenly your nostrils open up.
  4. Winning a prize/contest
  5. A description that’s way too accurate for this time of the morning and that “vacated bowels” feeling you get after.
  6. Thinking the cop behind you with his lights on is going to pull you over but then he passes you and you’re fine
  7. Crushing my enemies, seeing them drive before me, and hearing their lamentations of their women.
  8. Eating a good meal
  9. Getting my hair shampooed/cut at a salon/barber.
  10. When you finally get rid of that thing stuck in your teeth.