130+ witty one liners

These are perfect for spicing up your facebook/twitter status when you have nothing to say.

  1. Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don’t try to find us for at least 2 days. Love (not really), Me
  2. [Name] thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”
  3. I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”
  4. Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday
  5. [Name] is based on a true story. The characters and events in his life are real. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is pityful cause his life sucks
  6. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception
  7. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
  8. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  9. I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
  10. Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It’s not me — it’s you. Continue reading…