51

130+ witty one liners

These are perfect for spicing up your facebook/twitter status when you have nothing to say.

  1. Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don’t try to find us for at least 2 days. Love (not really), Me
  2. [Name] thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”
  3. I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”
  4. Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday
  5. [Name] is based on a true story. The characters and events in his life are real. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is pityful cause his life sucks
  6. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception
  7. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
  8. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  9. I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
  10. Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It’s not me — it’s you.
  11. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
  12. Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
  13. Shonari I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
  14. Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.
  15. I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don’t have as many people who believe it.
  16. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and paid just enough money not to quit.
  17. Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any
  18. Life is sexually transmitted
  19. If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut
  20. Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
  21. Practice safe sex, Go screw yourself
  22. This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me
  23. Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant
  24. Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery
  25. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  26. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I’m a Pisces and she’s a bitch.
  27. I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here
  28. [Name] is old enough to know better, but still young enough to try and get away with it anyway.
  29. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  30. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
  31. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
  32. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever
  33. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
  34. I think Facebook should expand their relationship status field to include: Friends With Benefits, Phuck Buddies, One Night Stand and Do it Yourself.
  35. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  36. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  37. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  38. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  39. I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.
  40. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less
  41. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
  42. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
  43. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  44. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  45. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  46. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  47. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
  48. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  49. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  50. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  51. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  52. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  53. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  54. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  55. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
  56. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  57. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
  58. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  59. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  60. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
  61. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
  62. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  63. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
  64. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  65. If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
  66. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  67. Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
  68. When I pose a hypothetical question, it means that I’ve done something extremely stupid and got myself into big trouble and am trying to get ideas on how to get out of the situation without admitting that I’m in that situation.
  69. That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can’t figure out which one the music is coming from.
  70. Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
  71. Liquor makes me happy, you….not so much.
  72. Do I know any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO
  73. Fact: If you break a $50 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up
  74. Like today’s status if you know someone who’s only alive because you don’t want to go to jail.
  75. likes to use words, irregardless of their existence.
  76. doesn’t “need” to be liked. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
  77. I should have studied to be a counselor or psychiatrist of some sort. It’d be nice to get paid to pretend I give a crap.
  78. If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
  79. Boy, my Nigerian girlfriend sure needs a lot of money wired to her. I really love Sxbgfsnj Fuhbdexgb though.
  80. 99% of women say they don’t like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don’t like women.
  81. The next person who says, “It’s not the heat, its’ the humidity” will learn that it’s not my fist, but the impact.
  82. A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible …No, wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Never mind.
  83. Marriage means commitment. So does insanity. Coincidence?
  84. Just because we have the same last name doesn’t mean we have to be Facebook friends, Dad
  85. The thing I enjoy about most waking up an hour early is completely wasting an extra hour of my day.
  86. ate so badly this past weekend that my body would probably mistake a piece of fruit for a virus and try to attack it.
  87. Today, I’ll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
  88. Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
  89. I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
  90. If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
  91. You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding? I tried that today. Really wish I hadn’t. Really, really wish I hadn’t.
  92. hates it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.
  93. A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby.
  94. thinks that your problem is low self-esteem. It’s very common among losers.
  95. Math questions are so stupid! They’re like, “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?!
  96. If you see a plate of bacon running down the street screaming “HELP ME!” please return it to me. It’s totally overreacting.
  97. As you’re reading this, you should say to yourself, “Why am I talking to myself?”
  98. That awkward moment when you post a funny status and there’s that one person who ruins it by saying something serious.
  99. Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.
  100. If beer is proof that God loves us, then hangovers are proof that he has a sadistic sense of humor.
  101. The other day I Googled “Myspace” and Google said, “did you mean Facebook?”
  102. Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
  103. Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.
  104. My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
  105. Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
  106. No, I will not share my IPod with you. Its called an IPod not an UsPod.
  107. Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
  108. If you “Friend Request” me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you are a transformer.
  109. ‎69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
  110. When life hands you lemons, calmly cut one in half, turn around and squirt juice in life’s eye.
  111. The ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
  112. is tired of girls complaining that there are no good guys left. Hello?? They’re where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
  113. My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, “Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?”
  114. That awkward moment when you’re in a heated argument and you say, “AND ANOTHER THING” then your mind goes blank.
  115. Happy Friday!! And to all those Atheist and Agnostic people out there… T_IF
  116. is bringing sexy back. Apparently there was a misunderstanding and I never should have been allowed to purchase it in the first place.
  117. As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this “Identity Theft”
  118. I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere.
  119. Maybe your wishes would come true if instead of throwing a penny in a fountain you threw something in that wasn’t completely useless.
  120. Wishes I had a “friend with benefits.” But the friend would own a pharmacy, and the benefits would be free valium.
  121. <——— Drinks well with others.
  122. Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He’s under a blanket.”
  123. I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said I usually respond to texts, check my emails and Facebook.
  124. Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math… that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You’re welcome.
  125. That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
  126. Has never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an Old Navy once.
  127. My mother + my father – condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!
  128. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  129. I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
  130. Thinks that Facebook has ruined school reunions. Now everyone knows you”re full of s$%& before you get there…
  131. All the autotune in the world still doesn’t sound as cool as talking into a desk fan.
  132. Thinks that the “speaking to another human being” feature of my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.
  133. Instead of a “like” or even a “dislike” option, I’d like to know when someone reads my status update and just shakes their head disapprovingly.
  134. People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be shot.
  135. is it vodka o’clock yet?

51 thoughts on “130+ witty one liners

  1. Who knows firms using online fame service ReputationUP.com? SunGard Data Systems? My business is swapping 2 it and l would like to swap experiences with other businesses near by. Any replies appreciated

  2. thanks for posting new liners
    i sick tired with all those old ones finally i got some thing new
    thanks
    “Who says the world will be destroyed in Dec 2012..Rajnikant just bought a Laptop with three years warranty”

  3. ‎90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love.Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight.if you don’t repost this, your worst week starts now.

  4. ‎90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love.Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight.if you don’t repost this, your worst week starts now.

  5. Its sad that i see so many of these jokes posted in/on another joke site/app and people acting like they came up with them. ABH i hope AngelEyes94 sees this.

  6. I know the original posters of some of these “one liners,” so I would hope that you wouldn’t take credit for each and every one of these.

  7. Love your list!!

    (It is however, pitiful that spell check passed by #5.)

    It would be much wittier if, instead of sounding like an emo teen, it read more like the inside cover of a book (or the opening of Law & Order for the younger kids who don’t actually read books anymore):

    [Name] is based on a true story. The characters and events in his life are real. Any similarity to fictional characters, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

    Keep adding, it’s an excellent list!! :)

  8. ‎90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love.Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight.if you don’t repost this, your worst week starts now.

  9. 0% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love.Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight.if you don’t repost this, your worst week starts now.

  10. 90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love.Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight.if you don’t repost this, your worst week starts now.

  11. 90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love.Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight.if you don’t repost this, your worst week starts now.

  12. 90% of people marry their 7th-12th
    grade love.Since you have read this,
    you will be told good news tonight.if
    you don’t repost this, your worst week
    starts now.

  13. 90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love.Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight.if you don’t repost this, your worst week starts now.

  14. 90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love.Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight.if you don’t repost this, your worst week starts now.

  15. @Allie
    3:18 pm on November 20th, 2011

    Wrote down every damn one :) These are BRILLIANT! , thought you have quite a few typos :) For real…this is HILARIOUS! :)

    Though* not thought.
    If you’re commenting on typos… double check your own spelling.. :)

  16. 90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love.Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight.if you don’t repost this, your worst week starts now.

  17. 90% of people marry their 7th-12th grade love.Since you have read this, you will be told good news tonight.if you don’t repost this, your worst week starts now.

  18. “These are perfect for spicing up your facebook/twitter status when you have nothing to say.”

    If you have nothing to say, maybe not post anything?

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